To write yet or not to write yet

As I write this (this post will be scheduled), I have not yet been out of the hospital for a week. I want to write so badly right now, but I know, I know, I need to be resting. At least writing what I think takes no effort at all, it's basically a social media post but with more characters and less drama (I hope less drama, anyway).

Writing fiction, however, is rather a different beast.

Ever since my (probable) brain aneurysm in September of 2023, I need to be extremely cautious how much I use my brain power. Literally just thinking too hard can cause strain. I've stopped drinking alcohol, not that I ever drank much before, because alcohol can hit this too and it hits hard. If I overwork, if I drink alcohol, I will literally sleep 18 hours a day, waking with only to eat, use the bathroom, and maybe take a quick shower.

It's likely I have ME/CFS/Long Covid. It's hard to say where I lie in that group of categories, and there's evidence to suggest they are all the same thing, but I've had Covid three times now. Each and every time did some damage. I also caught RSV right before I caught Covid the second time. It hit me hard, I was sick for six weeks. That could have done some of this too.

But that does limit the number of hours I can work, and may even restrict my ability to work at all some days. Such as, for example, barely a week after I had several seizures and possibly a TIA (or mini stroke). I'm well aware that I should be resting right now. But the part of me that wants to write, needs to write, doesn't get that. So I find myself asking if it would be less stressful on my brain to write or more stressful to convince myself that I need to be resting.

It's a lot harder than it sounds, believe me. I am an extremely stubborn man, always have been. You could argue that's why I'm still alive and you would not be inaccurate. You could also argue that's why I've had so many brushes with death and be a lot more correct than I want to admit.

I am also an inherently honest man, even with just myself when I can manage it.

Still, I am finding ways to shift my attention when it is time to rest. It's a challenge sometimes! A lot of people would think, "Why don't you just watch TV or a movie?" and this is where my own quirks come in. I actually hate television in general, usually only tolerate movies. There are exceptions! But I also have to be in the right mood for any of these.

I listen to audio books a lot. I listen to music a lot. When I can convince my AuDHD body to sit still long enough, I play video games. I read a lot too, although usually before bed. When I am healthier again, I will take walks! I will cook and I will try to get the house clean. I also have a garden with dozens of things to be done before spring, and the thaw may not truly hit where I live until April. These are all things that let my mind rest.

Writing, though, is a strain on my mental muscles. And a week after all that put me in the hospital is not long enough to write a story. It's barely long enough to write a semi-coherent blog post. Baby steps, though, and by the time you read this, I should be back on my bullshit, writing merrily away on... something.

Ideally that will be Earth's Enduring Echo? But I am ADHD as well as Autistic, and sometimes it is more productive to let the ADHD take me for unexpected fictional walkies than it is to try and redirect it to where I want it to go.

Y'know, when I was a kid I desperately wanted my life to not be boring when I grew up. With the benefit of hindsight, I think I was worried for no reason, there was never any chance of me being boring! 😂